A moral transformation
by it-rains-as-a-metaphor
Summary: A look into Raito's mind during a significant moment leading to his transformation from innocent student to Kira - god of the new world.


It was real. The Death Note was real.

I'd killed two people. I was a murderer. Of the same kind as those men my father worked to send to their rightful executions.

I barely even registered my location as my body rejected my school dinners with a retching force reflective of my complete self-disgust in that moment.

My current moral code could not possibly accept my actions with this book, but another part of me was literally aching to do it again and again and again. What i could do with a notebook like this! _It was like a drug_, i realised with a sick horror. With the writing of just two names i was hopelessly addicted to the feeling of power and control this innocuous little black book could give me even as my mind was horrified by what i had done.

_It was the kind of control i have always secretly wanted. _

My throat and mouth were filled with the rough, acidic taste of my very recent activity as i wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my blazer; an uncharacteristic motion on my part but then throwing up in alleyways was not exactly indicative of my character either.

edging further into the alley with the careful steps of a man unsure if he can lay any trust in his inner ear, i moved to crouch against the rough brick wall out of sight of any passers by, my head hanging so that my fringe obscured my features. I had some thinking to do.

Shock had clearly rendered my brain immobile for a short period but i was now beginning to recover a little of my usual, and not inconsiderable, faculties and i could examine the facts in a more detached manner.

The facts were as such; unlikely as it was, I had found a notebook that could kill. I had – partially unknowing – used this weapon to murder two human beings. One of these human beings had held a school full of children at gun point and there was a high probability he would have shot at least several of them if i had not killed him as i did. The other had been attempting to rape an innocent woman in public. This then, was cause and effect. Just as the natural and lawful progress of the justice system would have eventually put these men on death row, i had ki...i had _punished_ them for their obvious sins against humanity.

This thought slightly eased the knot in my chest that seemed intent on preventing me from breathing at that current moment. Had my actions been carried out by a representative of the Japanese justice system after a fair – and no doubt lengthy trail – then they would have been both legal and just. The problem remained that i was not a member of said justice system and that i had not given these men the chance of a fair trial. Corrupt though they may be, they were most certainly human. Or were they?

i considered for a moment the definition of the nature of a human being. Human nature is the concept that there is a set of inherent distinguishing characteristics, including ways of thinking, feeling and acting, that define humanity. If this nature is demonstrated in the moral compass then should not all men share the same set of moral thoughts? This was absurd. Darwin argued that this inherent humanity did not exist at all; that humans have no fixed nature, at least in the long term. This tells me that we adapt according to our social situation and that we are in control of our own actions in this manner. We create our own nature and so no single description of human nature can be formulated as it must be individual to each person who possesses it. Therefore, to maintain order in a society, a set of rules must be established which create an acceptable mutual moral code, derived from the nature of the majority of humanity. The definition of 'human' has to fall within this mutually agreed moral code or this 'nature' will no longer exists. Human nature is defined by it's remaining within the bounds of the law.

Using this definition, any human being who strays outside of society's laws forfeits the right to call themselves human at all.

This means that the two men i had punished were not in fact men. There could be no murder if the victims were merely animals. I was not a murderer.

The knot in my chest released with a whoosh that left me feeling light-headed for a moment before i drew in several deep, steadying breathes.

I was not a murder. So then what was I?

I was not a policeman, or a judge or a member of a jury. I was not an established member of the justice system and this meant that my actions, despite the inhuman nature of my quarry, would be considered by them to be outside of the law. I would be considered then, by my own logic, _inhuman_. I hastened to analyse further before this thought could result in further undignified retching. Inhuman, but not necessarily evil in nature?

I strive at all times to appear acceptably modest about my talents. However, in my own head i can of course freely admit that i am an exemplary, perhaps – no certainly- a superior example of my species. I am physically fit and attractive, i have adhered to all aspects of societies established rules up until this point, and i am without a doubt significantly more intelligent than the average human being. In fact, i had yet to encounter my intellectual match and was beginning to believe i never would within the boundaries of Japan. My actions, though defined by my own thought processes as inhuman, were clearly morally just in terms of performing punishment upon deserving parties. And had i not, on the very day i discovered the Death Note, been thinking of how rotten the world around me had become; how rotten the people had become?

On the same day then, that i had thought the world rotten, i had been provided with a weapon – an unbelievable weapon – that could help me cleanse the world of it's rotten elements, to the great benefit of the innocent population. My intentions in punishing those men were not evil. In fact they were opposite in nature. They were inherently good.

I was Inhuman and yet inherently good then. I was Superior to the general population and i had been granted a thoroughly inhuman power over the lives of human beings. I breathed in sharply as the logical conclusion presented itself to me.

Mortal i may be, but this description could only be fitting of a god!

A strangled, hawk-like sound in the alley made me jump violently and my eyes darted from side to side trying to seek it's source until i realised that the sound had come from me. Leaning back against the bricks, the weight gone from my chest and a new resolution in my heart, i repeated it, marvelling at the unusual sensation.

As i realised that i was hardly less than a god - above the restrictions of the justice system - and that i had been granted the power to change the world according to my vision, i felt the sound bubbling up from within me with the glowing warmth of new purpose.

Again I threw my head back and laughed.


End file.
